I've witnessed many a social faux pas at the local sports centre of which I'm a member (see previous blog about excruciatingly slow swimmers). But pool-side warm-ups/cool-downs are a new experience for me. It's another socially unacceptable activity to add to the list, and this one rates very high on the cringe-o-meter due to the U.D.O.A (Unnecessary Display of Appendages).
I know of only one man who does this.
He can't be British. British men wouldn't have the balls (eh-hem, excuse the pun) or audaciousness to carry out this rather bold activity.
So, this guy comes through the changing room doors: tall, lanky, middle-aged. He is wearing tight briefs (not quite speedos, not quite trunks). He slowly walks around two sides of the pool and positions himself close to the life guard's tower, facing us swimmers in the water.
And it begins:
Hip rolls - slow and deliberate, protruding his groin deliberately and holding the pose there.
Lunges - All the way down, hands on hips, again tilting the groin forward.
Torso twists - exaggerated and repeated more than necessary.
Toe touches - thank god your butt isn't facing the pool for this one.
You repeat this routine after your swim too.
Is he showing off? Is he trying to pull? Is he so proud of his Speedo-clad appendages that he gives them two opportunities to be paraded every time he comes to the pool?
It's like car-crash TV - I can't help but glance over. Not to admire, no far from it!
I cringe deeply. Speedo lunges are not going to start trending any time soon.
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