Just back from Cheltenham Screenwriters’ Festival and having mixed feelings about the two-day event. It started off very promising; the B&B was squeaky clean with the obligatory nosey parker ‘house keeper’ husband, ugly boxer dog, complementary toiletries and noteworthy cooked breakie. Day one’s highlights included speakers such as Tony Jordon (East Enders, Life On Mars), David Thompson (Head of BBC Films), ‘The Perfect Ten Pages’ with The Writers’ Room’s Paul Ashton and a live commentary of Severance with director Christopher Smith.
I wish I had utilised my time a little better in the afternoon – I sat through a ‘legal and business issues’ session for over an hour and between falling asleep and trying to take in a vast amount of jargon I realised I should have been in the ‘Write with a Pro’ session. Never mind, I’m sure the law handout will come in handy one day…
I felt a little intimidated by all the elite of the industry; boy do they let you know their presence! But, having said that, there were an equal number of people just like me, curious to get into the industry but without the credentials just yet. I met a comedy director/writer (Paul) whose just written and directed a series in Wales, a lady called Yvonne Mellor, whose a producer in Leeds and a lovely lady called Kate, who quickly became my new friend, as we on the same level of newbie-ness.
After Severance I wanted to chat to Chris Smith, but he had to leave straight after the viewing. I did ask a question (over a microphone handed to me), which sounded a bit like this, “Tim McInnerny told me you might be getting involved in the Hammer Horror franchise – is that true?” I think Chris was surprised to hear me mention Tim’s name, and said he thought he recognised me! I haven’t met Chris before, so this was a bit weird, but it’s a shame we didn’t get to talk any further. I think I will ask Tim for Chris’s email soon, to see if I can work on a project with him.
In the networking event later on I realised that an awful lot of people were there to blow on their own trumpets and a number of them exuded unappealing arrogance and spoke loudly about “MY LATEST FEATURE…WHICH HAS BEEN COMMISSIONED BY…” I began to relax a bit because it all seemed nicely fake and very show biz. The FREE wine and canapés helped to soften the blow of my ridiculously overpriced lunch - £10.50 for a scrap of salad and a char grilled piece of Halommi cheese! Frea and David were long gone; so I had a great time with Yvonne and Paul, listen to their industry anecdotes. Just as it was getting dark I thought I’d better get a move on and find a bus back into town. As I walked up the path to the Manor, it started to rain and I had to ask the security guard where to get back onto the road.
As I found the main road from the studio, a taxi slowed down and someone’s head emerged from the window. It was no other than Menha Huda (director of Kidulthood), who I’d listened to earlier in the ‘Funding Hidden Subjects’ seminar. He’s beautiful! He asked if I wanted a lift into town, which I accepted, of course. We talked about insignificant things, I was a bit drunk and think I may have talked too much to make up for my nerves…but he was lovely and we drove straight past my B&B. The taxi driver got to the end of the road and stopped, I tried to give Menha my business card, but he thought I was trying to pay for the taxi! He said to give my card to him tomorrow, and I got out the car and walked back up the road. What a sweet guy, I’d love to work with him, or interview him – but unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to speak to him again the next day. So, I guess if I want to follow it up, I’ll have to do some research and go through his agent or something…
Wednesday started with a seminar on low budget film production, with Ed Blum (Scenes of a Sexual Nature), and Jake West (SFX wiz and director). It was inspiring to see the quality of the features they had made with such little money. The message they were trying to get across is that if you have a very strong story and make a huge effort to mesh well with the cast and crew – every one will be happy and the film will be made to a high standard. A live commentary of episode 4, series 1 of Life on Mars with Ashley Pharoah followed in the marquee. I’ve only seen one episode of L.O.M before, and wasn’t that thrilled, but this one was a corker! Ashley didn’t intrude too much on the narrative, but the things he did comment on were insightful. Themes/structure/character facts were explored and a number of the audience asked poignant questions at the end of the commentary. I was particularly moved by the composition of the music to help carry certain themes and I think the cinematography had a filmatic quality. But, maybe that was just the big screen?.....
In the afternoon I listened to Mia Bays talk about producing her Oscar winning short Six Shooter, and then the star of the show emerged in the marquee – Bill Nicholson. Bill is the granddad you’ve always wanted, I’d be more than contented to listen to him tell stories about his film career all day. He’s a ‘real life’ writer, meaning he likes to take real life stories and dramatize them for film. He wrote Gladiator and he’s working on a number of new projects including a film on Nelson Mandela. Bill’s speech was uplifting and exciting – he doesn’t believe in over-researching a project and says that at long as you keep you subject by your side when you write, you will be true to them and if they’re at the screening, they’ll understand why a bit of artistic licence can help to produce a well-rounded story.
Then the worst part of the festival – FEVER PITCH. To think that Frea, David and myself and most of the lovely people I met there all enter the comp and didn’t get picked is a tragedy when you look at the ten that disgraced the stage that night. Poor doesn’t even come close to describing the quality of the pitches, I have to admit about half way in, I had my head in my hands – no more clapping for me… I know that the market is all about horror and comedy or the derivative zom-com, but these ideas did not vaguely challenge the genre. I may be a bit bitter, but there were 600 entries – I want to know who picked the short list and if they were awake when they drew it up.
Here’s a brief over-view of the pitches in order of ‘merit’, a kind of ‘what not to wear’ of the film industry:
1. BLOODY FAMOUS (A zom-com with vampires that are rock stars)
2. THE FLEABURT INHERITANCE (Dark comedy involving thespians)
3. HUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM (Creep, but with comedy and stoners)
4. THE BOUNTY HUNTER (Noir thriller set in Manchester)
5. 8 MISTAKES (Police thriller in the style of Seven)
6. GOD’S LONELY MAN (Political drama involving one legged hero in Afghanistan)
7. 24 LITTLE HOURS (Romantic comedy with Cinderella story)
8. DRIVING BEIJING WILD (Comedy involving taxi drivers at the Olympics)
9. EMMA AND THE CASTLE (Comedy with lingerie designer moving to a castle)
10. D.N.A (Six part comedy drama where a Dog Naming Association that names dogs for celebrities, and other animals, “with drugs and stuff…”
So, what do you think? Cream of the crop? I hope not….
No. 10’s my personal favourite – I couldn’t stop laughing when he tried to justify making it into a SIX parter! Maybe it would suit a two second sketch or a two part kids show – but SIX PARTS!!!!
Now I’ve off loaded my rant, I’ll go back to the end of that day. We all left the marquee with our jaws touching the floor and headed to the bar. This time the drinks were not free and there were no tiny canapés floating around – more disappointment… A vast majority of the congregation seemed to disappear after the pitching, and the bar was too big and cold to want to sick around in. Kate and I knocked back a few vodkas and followed the crowd to the Harvester next door to the Manor.
It was a bit more cheery in there, but it was last orders and the grumpy barman wouldn’t even give me a straw for my G&T! They threatened to confiscate our drinks if we didn’t hurry up and drink up, so we were out in the cold again. Kate and I waited for a bus back into Cheltenham, but gave up and forked out for a taxi. We got lost finding the B&B, spent some time wondering around aimlessly, then found the street and snuck in, went to bed on a completely empty tummy.
I will definitely be going next year, hopefully staying for the four-day event if I can get the funds. I will have a polished script or two to distribute and I will make much more of an effort to swat up on the guest speakers so I know who’s who and what they do. I found that I’ve missed out a bit this year because I didn’t know enough about peoples biographies, so if I find some common ground, it’ll be easier to network with the right people. I will need to be more forthcoming, determined and confident about my work. Just speak to whoever I need to and not worry about my status, if I don’t try, I’ll regret it later…
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